Sammy’s Maw’s New Motor
Mah maw’s goat a new motor, right, an it’s a fuckin topper man. Ah love the hing. Ah’ve just goat mah provisional through an ah’ve been beggin her tae take me oot fur a lesson in it but she’s no havin it. No that that stoaps me. See wit ah dae, right, is sneak oot durin the night fur a shot. Ah don’t just sit in it like ah used tae when ah wis a wee boay, naw don’t be daft, ah actually drive the fucker. It’s easy right, it’s automatic so it’s like drivin a big dodgem or something.
Anywey, ah wait tae aboot hawf two in the mornin, when ah know fur sure she’s sleepin, an steal her keys oot her bag. Mah maw goes intae a pure coma when she’s sleepin so ah don’t even really need tae sneak ah just dae it just in case. Then ah dive oot intae her motor. It’s too fuckin easy man. Ah scoot up tae McDonald’s fur a McFlurry. It’s became mah nightly routine.
Mah maw always parks in the exact same space, right, so when ah get back hame wi mah ice cream ah like tae park the motor somewhere different fur a buzz. Ah used tae park it in her usual space but facin the other wey. Ah don’t hink she really noticed that though. So then ah started parkin it oan the other side ae the road. Ah’d watch her go oot tae work in the morning, right, heavy shattered, an cross the road expectin tae see the motor in its usual space an it widnae be there man it wis fuckin class.
But then she started askin questions. She’s like that tae me, ‘Where’s aw these McFlurry cartons comin fae, Sammy?’ Ah wis like that, ‘Fuck, ah’ve been rumbled,’ ah wis fuckin stupit man, ah should’ve binned them ootside or somethin rather than in the kitchen. So that was that. Nae mare late night McFlurries fur me.
Ah started gawn mad long drives. Ah went doon ae Ayr wan night fur a buzz an found hunners ae cunts wi mad modified motors aw hingin aboot this big retail park. It wis amazin, like suhin oot the Fast and the Furious films. Choons pumpin an engines revvin man. Cunts were like that tae me, ‘Wit kindae engine’s in that?’ Ah don’t huv a clue aboot motors though man so ah kidded on ah didnae speak English. Didnae want tae look daft, know wit ah mean? Anyway next hing ah know everycunt’s linin their motors up an it looks like there’s gonnae be a race. Ah goat involved, obviously, ahm no a shitebag, but ah didnae win. My maw’s motor isnae very fast tae be fair.
By the time ah goat hame fae Ayr that night it was hawf six in the mornin. Best night ae mah life. So ah decided then an there ah wis gonnae go lookin fur cruises every night instead ae just eatin ice cream.
But when mah maw goat hame fae work the night efter ah went tae Ayr she wis like that, ‘Ah hink there’s a leak in the motor. There was hardly any petrol left this morning efter ah put in a full tank yesterday.’ Ah couldnae afford tae be fillin the motor up wi petrol every time ah used it so that wis that. The end ae mah racin career. Ahm gonnae stick tae playin racin games oan the computer an ahm no gonnae bother wi the drivin lessons either, less hassle that way. Keep me oot ae bother, know wit ah mean?
