How to get Rid of an Arsehole Step Da
1. Spread Lies: This is an incredibly powerful technique and should be your first-choice tactic when it comes to removing an arsehole step da from your life. Easy, cheap and requiring minimal effort on your part, spreading lies about the arsehole in question is fast and effective. But remember to start small. It’s easy to go gung-ho and say to your maw, ‘This step da of mine is a paedophile,’ but then the police will be involved and you might have to go to court etc. Not ideal. A simpler lie would be along the lines of recreational drug use. An off-hand comment to your maw about how you think you can smell hash when the step da is not in the room can be enough to plant the seed in your maw’s head that her man is, in fact, a mad hash-heid. Your maw wants what is best for you, this should include positive role models in your life. You want her to question whether her man fits this description. Darren, 14, from East Kilbride, used a slight variation of this tactic. He’d write in his step da’s calendar in the kitchen BUY DRUGS every Friday. He started to leave little clear plastic bags lying around the house. He’d leave traces of white powder, normally sherbet, on flat surfaces (he says he used this to great effect by leaving the sherbet on his baby sister’s changing table in her bedroom). Darren got rid of his step da in under 6 months. Another good lie to use is the so-called ‘other woman’. You can claim to have seen your step da out and about with another female. ‘Oh,’ you could say to your maw, ‘I saw *STEP DA* out with a woman who looked a lot like her from the telly today.’ Making it sound as if you are not accusing him, but more like you are making an innocent observation lends an air of credibility to your story.
2. Copy his bad habits: Your maw wants to see your step da being a positive influence on your life. You want to make her see that he is a bad influence. Make a note of the worst things your step da does, especially the things that seem to really annoy your maw. Gemma, 13, from Bellshill, noticed her step da used to clean the excess butter and crumbs left on his knife after buttering his toast on the side of the tub, leaving the butter full of crumbs. She observed this drove her maw mental so decided to start doing it herself. When questioned as to why she had started doing this all of a sudden, she replied with a shrug and a simple, ‘Kenny does it.’ This led to her maw getting pissed off at every little thing Kenny did. Within a year she’d gotten rid of him.
3. Photoshop: What if your step da isn’t an arsehole? What if he’s a good guy with no bad habits? What if your maw won’t believe any of the lies you are feeding her? If any of these thoughts cross your mind, remember that of course he’s an arsehole. All step das are. It’s in their DNA. So get a grip. If, after following the first two steps, your maw is still failing to see how much of a prick he is then it’s time to present her with some proof of his prickishness. For this you will need some basic photo editing software. Danny, 19, from Garthamlock, used this technique to make it look like his step da was photographed in a nightclub full of underagers. He then started making one of these pictures every week and posting them online until eventually his maw seen them on Facebook. She went ballistic and kicked out the offending step da who went on to be branded as a ‘beast’ by his pals and work colleagues.
4. Train a pet to hate him: This may seem to be a long-winded and labour-intensive method but, if executed properly, can be devastatingly effective. Train your dog to bark at the man by using positive reinforcement i.e. giving the dog a treat or showing them affection whenever they bark or growl at your step da. Make sure you say things such as, ‘That’s weird, the dug never barks at anybody,’ and, ‘They say dugs bark at people they deem to be a threat to their family.’ This can be enough to make your maw doubt this man’s credentials as a supposed ‘good guy’. Taking it further by encouraging the dog to attack your step da is not encouraged however, as often the dog will simply then be put down and you be will left with exactly one step da and exactly one less dog.
5. Make your maw think he is a manky bastard: Three words: bottles of pish. When left lying strategically around the home, and blamed, of course, on your step da, will cause your maw to question his personal hygiene and want to remove him from her home. This will of course require you to pee in bottles but really it is a small price to pay for the long term happiness which will come from removing this man form your life. Leave them in places such as behind the couch and in his wardrobe — places your maw is likely to find them. This will work especially well if you are female because naturally your maw will blame your step da straight away but for males it will be harder. You must make sure you do not become the accused. Martin, 20, from Castlemilk, got around this by placing a 2ltr bottle of Dr.Pepper (His step da’s favourite drink but disliked by both Martin and his maw, a very nice touch) full of urine, next to his step da as he slept on the couch. His maw found the still warm bottle of pish just 20 minutes later as she came in from a night out. He only had to repeat this a few more times and within 4 weeks, his step da had been turfed out. A similar method to this, involving a melted Double Decker bar and a pair of your step da’s boxers, has been trialled by a few intrepid step da haters but, sadly, to underwhelming results.
6. Stress him out: If you have a somewhat sadistic streak in you then this may be the method for you. This is the very definition of labour-intensive but it is almost absolutely guaranteed to work. Heart disease is the number one killer of men aged 45 and over and stress is arguably the biggest cause of this. We don’t want to kill the guy, obviously, but if you can get him feeling incredibly stressed out in his own home then he is likely to leave of his own volition for the good of his health. Start small. Make sure there’s never enough milk for his tea in the morning. Keep replacing the batteries in the telly remote with ones that are done. Pour a small amount of fizzy juice onto the keyboard of his computer, this won’t break the computer but will instead dry in and cause the keys to stick down and be hard to press. Break his phone charger — if he replaces it, break that one as well then repeat as necessary. Slash the tyres of his car. Speaking of cars, try and sneak out whenever he goes to bed, turn on the radio in his car and leave it playing overnight — this will run down the battery and in the morning the engine won’t start. Put holes in his shoes. Hide important letters that come through the door. Phone him from a withheld number as often as you can (either hang up when he answers or perform some heavy breathing). Alone, these techniques may seem small and insignificant but the cumulative effect of them all will put him over the edge.
7. Freak him out: If simple techniques such as the above aren’t working, it may be time to up the ante. You need to get weird. It’s hard to say what is the best, weird thing you could do here. It depends on what scares, confuses, disgusts and generally freaks out your step da. You need to be creative. Isaac, 18, from Lenzie started breeding mutant house spiders to scare his deeply arachnophobic step da. He caught several relatively large house spiders and kept them in matchboxes. He’d feed them flies and other smaller insects until they could barely fit in the matchbox. He’d then whittle their numbers down by placing two spiders in the same box and letting them fight to the death. When he had his final 5 mutant champion spiders, he entered phase 2 of his plan. He’d leave a spider in his step da’s bedside cabinet every night. When the man reached in to grab his book, he would be faced with an 8-legged beast straight from his nightmares. In a fit of panic, Isaac’s step da would kill the spider but the next night he’d find another similarly terrifying spider, in the same place. Months of preparation for this perfectly executed plan meant that Isaac didn’t even need to use the final spider as his step da fled the house, never to return, on the fourth night of his plan.
8. Phone Step Da Removers: You’ve tried everything. Spread lies about him, copied his bad habits, photoshopped him into incriminating situations, made the dog want to attack him, made your maw question his personal hygiene, made him so stressed he can’t relax in his home and scared him half to death and yet, somehow, the man remains in your home. Your final option is to phone Step Da Removers. This discreet service will see a team of four men kidnap your step da from your home, his place of work or another place of your choosing and take him away. This shadowy organisation has come under fire for its links to so-called ‘Illegal Da Fighting’ but no one knows for certain what they do with arsehole step das when they capture them.
